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thinking about it today, I think the food problem is about the same as the sleeping problem was -- namely, if I don't <do necessary activity for the continuance of life>, then it must be that I'm slowing down time or consequences for myself, opting out somehow!
I've been using habitica for I think 16 days now -- it's ok? the game mechanics of it, "you have health points"/"you don't" haven't started occurring to me as a game/system I have to beat til the last couple days, which is good, because when I start feeling like I'm beholden to them or have to score perfectly or something then it's all over for this as a tool I can stand to look at.
mostly it makes me aware in a tangible way how much time I spend trying to do the things I need to do just to exist day-to-day. to-dos are an interesting way of concentrating focus, taking them from abstract or personal anxious mantras or something about "ok so today I HAVE TO" to actual real-world things (list items? connected to some sort of magic that I don't really care about, but that reifies them?) that I can destroy or check off in a way that feels "real," in a way that actually just doing a task doesn't, to me.
I said to Stephen when I visited this past weekend that people are going to tell me congratulations, if I graduate, and it becomes known that I have graduated, and it's going to feel equally as horrible as talking to them about how school is going does *right now.*
and that's the weather.
I've been using habitica for I think 16 days now -- it's ok? the game mechanics of it, "you have health points"/"you don't" haven't started occurring to me as a game/system I have to beat til the last couple days, which is good, because when I start feeling like I'm beholden to them or have to score perfectly or something then it's all over for this as a tool I can stand to look at.
mostly it makes me aware in a tangible way how much time I spend trying to do the things I need to do just to exist day-to-day. to-dos are an interesting way of concentrating focus, taking them from abstract or personal anxious mantras or something about "ok so today I HAVE TO" to actual real-world things (list items? connected to some sort of magic that I don't really care about, but that reifies them?) that I can destroy or check off in a way that feels "real," in a way that actually just doing a task doesn't, to me.
I said to Stephen when I visited this past weekend that people are going to tell me congratulations, if I graduate, and it becomes known that I have graduated, and it's going to feel equally as horrible as talking to them about how school is going does *right now.*
and that's the weather.