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close your eyes and keep typing.
1. So much of doing things is just -- you <write them down/otherwise fling them out undone> -- because you have to, because if you don't, you can't get started on the next thing you don't want to do, which would be equally or more catastrophic to your daily functioning if it didn't get done
2. being depressed is, I guess, a reaction against that. Shutting down in tenth and eleventh grade is a rational response to being told you have to keep existing, flinging yourself places when you wished you could just not exist instead. screamingly anxious, dissociative terror -- you did what you had to.
3. it's not that any more. I've made an ok, sketchy little map for "how are you going to get all this work done in time so that your professors can even consider passing you" and except for how sometimes I have to lose all my focus and fall asleep exhausted and sad on the couch, it's mostly just flinging myself places, writing down things that I think aren't done or good or even really things, with no hope, none, just the knowledge that if I don't do this there's negative hope.
4. the important thing is not to fall into the anxious, fluttering distraction. the refresh tumblr for hours, or scroll idly through fic archives you've already seen; re-feed the neko atsume cats, do another crossword. anxiously looking in the other direction, trying to allow yourself a space to not exist -- this is bad. what is good is: deciding, I'm going to not do this for a few hours. It's ok if I go to bed and this isn't done because I can't focus anymore, I'm crying trying to strain myself to fix the problem.
5. ... and then the tension of, but you don't have time to pass. your time to pass has all elapsed. it's now. close your eyes but face forward; fling yourself places while holding your breath just a little longer; breathe in ----
2. being depressed is, I guess, a reaction against that. Shutting down in tenth and eleventh grade is a rational response to being told you have to keep existing, flinging yourself places when you wished you could just not exist instead. screamingly anxious, dissociative terror -- you did what you had to.
3. it's not that any more. I've made an ok, sketchy little map for "how are you going to get all this work done in time so that your professors can even consider passing you" and except for how sometimes I have to lose all my focus and fall asleep exhausted and sad on the couch, it's mostly just flinging myself places, writing down things that I think aren't done or good or even really things, with no hope, none, just the knowledge that if I don't do this there's negative hope.
4. the important thing is not to fall into the anxious, fluttering distraction. the refresh tumblr for hours, or scroll idly through fic archives you've already seen; re-feed the neko atsume cats, do another crossword. anxiously looking in the other direction, trying to allow yourself a space to not exist -- this is bad. what is good is: deciding, I'm going to not do this for a few hours. It's ok if I go to bed and this isn't done because I can't focus anymore, I'm crying trying to strain myself to fix the problem.
5. ... and then the tension of, but you don't have time to pass. your time to pass has all elapsed. it's now. close your eyes but face forward; fling yourself places while holding your breath just a little longer; breathe in ----