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insert icon of calvin working on some dumb project here
1. interrupted the looking-sideways-ness with a shower and dinner, got another good three hours of work out afterwards.
2. looked at my photobucket album for some Calvin & Hobbes lj icons to upload here to dreamwidth and instead found like, galloping evidence of how unwell I was feeling for, you know, literal years.
just an example, some scrap paper I was spewing some thoughts onto, clearly mid-trying-to-do-schoolwork, dated 2006-12-07:
largely what I see in this document is fervid, haunted abstraction, trying to distill entire weather systems worth of thunderstorms into single raindrops, as if that would somehow allow the system to work. as if these miserable rich oily tears weren't each individually evidence of the powerfully disturbing storms. as if anyone could mistake each truncated phrase fit tightly, impossibly precisely into their graph paper prison for an actual actionable thought. I see my inflamed thought patterns, consuming themselves, trying for calm -- completely, categorically unable to generate balm to soothe me. physician heal thyself, stop pulling in allusions as if they're going to solve the problem. go sleep for about a week to try to reset.
there wasn't enough sleep for me to sleep to be able to reset.
3. I lay in bed writing epitaphs for my school career as if I were done, after that. this is a story of luck, sheer luck in making friends who knew what was going on and could be there squeezing your hand for years and years at a time as you let all of this come out of your mouth so it wouldn't be creating firestorms in your mind. this is a story of luck, being in the right place at the right time
4. slept, woke up. getting started again is hard. it takes a couple of hours. surfacing from that mess, that morass, those storms that are still locked in my resting mind -- it takes hours. I can tell when I missed the dose of lithium because the pull is that much stronger, heavier. it's not anything sinister; I just want to be awake.
I just want to be awake and quiet enough to push forward.
2. looked at my photobucket album for some Calvin & Hobbes lj icons to upload here to dreamwidth and instead found like, galloping evidence of how unwell I was feeling for, you know, literal years.
just an example, some scrap paper I was spewing some thoughts onto, clearly mid-trying-to-do-schoolwork, dated 2006-12-07:
largely what I see in this document is fervid, haunted abstraction, trying to distill entire weather systems worth of thunderstorms into single raindrops, as if that would somehow allow the system to work. as if these miserable rich oily tears weren't each individually evidence of the powerfully disturbing storms. as if anyone could mistake each truncated phrase fit tightly, impossibly precisely into their graph paper prison for an actual actionable thought. I see my inflamed thought patterns, consuming themselves, trying for calm -- completely, categorically unable to generate balm to soothe me. physician heal thyself, stop pulling in allusions as if they're going to solve the problem. go sleep for about a week to try to reset.
there wasn't enough sleep for me to sleep to be able to reset.
3. I lay in bed writing epitaphs for my school career as if I were done, after that. this is a story of luck, sheer luck in making friends who knew what was going on and could be there squeezing your hand for years and years at a time as you let all of this come out of your mouth so it wouldn't be creating firestorms in your mind. this is a story of luck, being in the right place at the right time
4. slept, woke up. getting started again is hard. it takes a couple of hours. surfacing from that mess, that morass, those storms that are still locked in my resting mind -- it takes hours. I can tell when I missed the dose of lithium because the pull is that much stronger, heavier. it's not anything sinister; I just want to be awake.
I just want to be awake and quiet enough to push forward.