a wolf!

[there's like a good portion of my anxious that's just livestreamed to stephen. sometimes, like this, it's valid. sometimes, like see sat 9/15 entry about me boohooing about getting up in the morning, i could probably work through it myself. for both my sake and the friendship's.]

[13:49]
Sarah: time to do the bad homework
Stephen: encourage
Sarah: workarounds for future
Sarah: 1. do it on paper
Sarah: (it's all electronic rn)
Sarah: 2. explain it aloud
Sarah: ok, great.

[14:06]
Sarah: whew yep this is all pretty bad already
Sarah: all the panic subcycles running at full capacity
Sarah: I wonder if the reason that working in other languages sidesteps all this
Sarah: is that I'm not fluent enough for all the logic overdrive and fretting about individual word meaning e.g. to activate
Sarah: not even that the level I'm being asked to work in is "do you understand this yes or no"
Sarah: more that that's just the level of assessment my brain can get to and how I have, *have* to write my responses

[14:21]
Stephen: if only the other language strategy could be used generally, too
Sarah: succinctly I'm going to have to stick with "I hate this" for right now, yes
Sarah: here's a good fact
Sarah: this makes me double anxious because last year I already tried to pass this class but without doing any homework and I already know mathematically that doesn't work
Sarah: bc failed, obviously
Sarah: how am I so good at just speaking in class but so bad at writing.
Sarah: ... because speaking is just bullet points, right

[14:40]
Stephen: there is probably something about off-the-cuff vs expecting to be polished?

[14:50]
Sarah: I think that was definitely true right this minute and in fact the way I just tricked myself into doing it, by just typing it like it was ims or something on the phone app
Sarah: and also probably *the* insight in general
Sarah: just pretend like it's off the cuff, essentially
Sarah: you can be brave and insightful for thirty seconds. that's all that's required.
Stephen: I think mine is that I can do it for other people, but not for me
Stephen: gotta figure out how to think of me as other people
Sarah: ha